Pushing that big red button

I have had one of those, OMG is this really going to be me moments and it has freaked me out a little bit.
Life has been crap to be honest. I have wasted the last 10 years of my life trying to be a good partner and supporting someone that didn't deserve me. Yes, I am a mother and have bought up three wonderful children, but on a personal level it has been the biggest waste of a decade and I am devastated at losing so much time needlessly.

So here I am standing on the brink of a whole new world. In the past year I have done so much. I have moved away from my old life, put the past as far behind me as is possible. I have found a new home, a new lifestyle so different to the old one, a new man who is miles away from anything I am used to, and now I am on the edge of becoming a student working towards a professional qualification that will map out my future career.......me, scared?..........HELL YES!!!!

I really don't think it has fully sunk in yet. I keep having to remind myself that it is no longer just an idea in my head, that I write about online or talk about with words. It is actually happening and come September I am going to be leaving my boring little comfort bubble and heading off into the big wide world. There will be new people, new places, new knowledge, new challenges, new hardship, new failures, new successes, new dangers, new low points, new high points, new everything.

I have thought about university, I have thought about walking in and meeting people and sitting in lectures taking in the information that is thrown at me and hopefully making sense of it all. I have thought about the essays and learning outcome and the new skills and practices that I will have to master and perform. I had even thought about placements, about uniforms and timetables and travelling to hospitals.

But I had never thought about me; little old me, walking in on my first ever placement and actually becoming a nurse.

I will be there, I may not do much to start with; I may just be blended into the background to observe, take note and to experience the whole situation. But I will be there. In the environment I have long dreamed and wished for.

Little old me.

My heart skipped a bit, the blood rushed to my head and for a second I went cold.

This is finally real.

Eleph XxX